Just Another Thing To Worry About With Teen Daughters
It’s a scary thing raising these teen daughters, there are so many variables in their lives, that sometimes it just all gets the better of you and you don’t know whether you are doing a good job, or one that is absolutely crap.
Are they happy?
Are they being bullied?
Do they have friends?
Are they mixing with the right crowd?
Are they drinking?
Have they been offered drugs?
and the big one, are they having sex?
Both my teenagers have had boyfriends.
Some have come and gone. But what do you do, when there is one that wants to hang around for quite a while?
The pressure these days to start a physical relationship is immense and this pressure doesn’t always come from the boy, but can, believe it or not, come from the other girls that your daughter associates with.
It seems girls these days are starting a physical relationship a lot earlier than when I was a teenager. Some girls I know, have lost their virginity at 13-14 years of age.
The comments my teen daughter has heard from her girlfriends range from:-
“You will feel better if you just get it over with”
“He won’t stay with you if you don’t give him something”
“What on earth are you waiting for”?
“Why haven’t you just done it already”?
She gives the same answer each and every time, “because, I’m not ready and because I don’t want to”!!
(Not that it’s any of their business!)
I’m not completely unrealistic and naive. I know the time is going to come in the not to distant future, whereby she is going to want her relationship to go further.
The only thing I have asked of her when she decides this, is to talk to me first.
Not so I can talk her out of it and not so that I can dictate to her that abstinence is the best course of action. I want her to talk to me so she is prepared, safe and protected.
Girls can’t rely on the guy to take responsibility all the time and nor should they have to. Girls have a 50/50 responsibility in this area of their relationship too and to expect the boy to solely handle the protection and responsibility, is unrealistic and totally unfair.
So why is it, if a girl brings protection and is on birth control, she is seen to be promiscuous and if a boy handles it, he is responsible?
Let’s face it teenagers are impulsive creatures. They often do things in the heat of the moment and if the moment should arise (for want of a better word), I want my girls to be prepared and to take responsibility for themselves.
I must admit this guy isn’t too bad. He isn’t pressuring her, he loves spending time with her, they have a lot of fun together and they can be themselves around each other. It is an easy relationship and one that was built on friendship, which is always a good thing.
We all know that if you forbid a teenager to do something, if they really want to do it that badly, there is nothing you can do to stop them.
You may kid yourselves that they will listen to you, but teens are headstrong people and they think they know everything. All you can do is hope that you have raised responsible people and armed them with the knowledge that will enable them to make the correct decisions in your absence.
She has so many hopes and dreams for her future and we want nothing to jeopardise that. I have told her that that should she feel that the relationship is progressing toward something physical, then we might need to take a trip to the doctors. I know some people may raise their eyebrows at that comment, but there is no way we are ready to be Grandparents and she is definitely not ready to be a mother either.
Am I being an irresponsible parent? Am I giving her the “green light”? I don’t think so. I am encouraging my daughter to take responsibility for her own body and to make sure she owns her decisions.
My girls and I have always had a very open relationship, we talk about absolutely everything. Their friends are horrified that we have such a relationship and often can be heard saying “you tell your mum that!!!”
I am proud that they feel they can come to me with their problems, I love our little chats and our big ones too.
I see the parenting posts all over Pinterest.
“How to encourage your daughter to abstain”
“How to raise a Godly daughter”
“How to teach your daughter to say no”
I have read some of these posts and the underlying message I come out with is that sex is something to be ashamed of.
When the time comes I don’t want my girls to feel any guilt over losing their virginity. I don’t want them to feel dirty or ashamed, but I don’t want them to feel regret either.
We all know what your first time is like, there are no fireworks, the earth doesn’t move and yes, it hurts. I definitely want them to feel ready when they decide to make the decision to have sex and let them know that your first time doesn’t always go to plan. I want to know that this is completely normal and that there is nothing wrong with them.
I do however want them to wait until they find the right person to experience this with.
I want my girls to find someone patient and kind, someone who will look after them. Is this a bit old fashioned? Maybe, but I’m sure there are some out there.
I’m not encouraging them to be promiscuous, I’m not encouraging my teen daughters to be irresponsible. To the contrary I think I am teaching them to take responsibility for their own bodies and not to give in to peer pressure.